


Squecret Squirrel

by CllrNat



Series: Gin soaked sagas [7]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:21:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CllrNat/pseuds/CllrNat
Summary: Squerenice (Squernie) Wolfe is tough, bloody tough.I don’t think you realise exactly how tough she really is.Well let me explain.





	1. Who is Squerenice (Squernie) Wolfe?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Squerena Fans](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Squerena+Fans).



Chapter 1

“I’m tough, I’m bloody tough so don’t you forget it.” Major Squerenice Wolfe, known as Squernie to her mates, shouts across the barracks on her way to see SM. 

Her bravado was meant to calm her own squerves as she made her way to an appointment with SM.

Major Squerenice (Squernie) Wolfe - Squecret Squirrel 7, licence to squill, otherwise known as SS7 or Double S 7, trained to kill 13 ways with just her bare paws and tail and many more ways with weapons. 

Yes, you’ve got it exactly right, the squirrel equivalent of James Bond 007. 

Well she was actually working for SI6 (Squirrels Intelligence Department 6). They also have an SM (Squirrel M) - their boss who is a silent squenigma in his own right and an SQ (Squirrel Q) - their squoffin who creates all their squantastic weapons but rarely leaves her squaboratory.

Major Squernie Wolfe, was once again embroiled in a squecret intelligence mission; well that was her specialised area of squinterest and one of the many things about her squarmy life she cannot disclose to Squirena.

Well not yet, anyway. 

This squecrecy bothered her immensely, because there was one thing Squirena had previously told her and that was she couldn’t tolerate squiars.

She had squarried Squedward Campbell who had squied to her throughout their whole squarriage and cheated for Britain with whatever tail was prepared to put out, oddly that was a lot to her squrprise.

He was tall (for a squirrel), skinny and had exceedingly thin fur. If he was human he’d be a balding, beanpole of a man, who thought he was god’s gift.

Squernie had looked into Squedward Campbell’s activities and determined that he was not a nice squirrel at all, not one teeny bit.

How did that thing manage to catch a beauty such a Squirena, was beyond her comprehension. She could find no endearing squalities about him.

He was on the police radar, they were keeping tabs on him and were quite squappy to liaise with SI6 if it helped to squapprehend him and his gang. 

Squirena’s daughter Squelinor, was an acorn off the old block, as the saying goes, following in her sire’s sleazy footsteps.

She had a police squecord as long as her tail, so they squobserved both of their actions closely on a squaily basis.

Squernie didn’t think Squirena was aware of this piece of squintelligence.

She was not prepared to tell the red exactly what her daughter gets up to, but needless to say it would curl Squirena’s tail without her having to use a roller.

Squernie was way better than that, she would never squintentionally hurt Squirena, not for all the acorns in Squolby. 

She was Squave, squophisticated and squexy, she was also exceedingly faithful and did not sleep around.

Well just that once with Squalex but that’s another story for another time.

Why was she better? 

Because I said so, i’m writing this and I can make her do or become anything I want, so there, so of course she’s going to be way more spectacular and SQUAB-U-LOUS than any of the other squirrels who might try sniffing around Squirena.

As a Double S operative she was often sent out on dangerous squissions at short notice, prepared to deal with matters of utmost squecrecy, squrgency and prepared to put her life on the line for Squeen and Country. 

Squrprise, yes squirrels have their own Squeen and Squoyal Family. But only via the sow’s side of the family. It was a matriarchal society.

As well as Squernie being a world renowned Trauma Squergeon, this was her main cover in the Squarmy, her other job was to tell totally believable squies for a living, that’s just how it was and the guilt of having to squie to Squirena was gnawing away at her insides.

She was so completely wracked with squilt at having to squie to Squirena, she had begun to avoid the red since returning from their weekend away at the Badger Sett Cinema. 

She had begged SM to be able to let her inform Squirena about her position and what she regularly did, but he point blank refused. 

If or once they got married, he informed her, then and only then would she be allowed to tell her squove exactly what she did for a living.

Keeping her distance from the dray and that luscious body was torture so she kept communications to a bare squnimum, she sent flowers and messages but made no visits, she wouldn’t be able to hide her feelings of guilt from those beautiful, expressive eyes. 

No matter how brilliant a spy she was, she found that Squirena was the one squirrel that squnderstood her completely. 

She could see through the walls Squernie had erected to keep others away. Just a smile from her could melt the thick ice squathered around her tortured heart.

Yes, she completely squoved the red squirrel with all of her heart and with every single white hair on her body. 

She would do absolutely anything for her and this was just another of the reasons she had accepted this secret squission.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squernie is getting ready to deal with the dealers of the dried woodlouse tampered Squiraz.  
> What she plans to do once she finds the squlprits.

Chapter 2

This particular squevent had actually reared its squgly head when they were over at the Badgers Sett Cinema during ‘The Squovie Nights’ and had very nearly spoilt her own weekend.

It had made her squirlfriend, yes that’s exactly what she was her squirlfriend, well it had made her squeact really badly because of it and she felt completely and squtterly responsible, she felt like she personally needed to go squndercover to discover exactly who was behind the squiking of the local Squiraz.

This was now personal. She was making it bloody personal. She’d known others in SI6 who had lost squoved ones and seen what it had done to them, what grief had turned them into.

That was not going to happen to her or Squirena, not if she had anything to say about it.

If she found out in her squinvestigations that Squedward and Squelinor had anything to do with this idiotic and dangerous stunt, she would most definitely squensure they paid for it with a loss of their squiberty. 

She would make sure they were well and truly squincarcerated in a military squison for the rest of their days.

A military facility where they didn’t get all the fancy treatment other squisons offered, oh no, they would serve squard labour - breaking walnuts, brazil nuts and all other forms of extremely hard nuts.

These would then get donated to the old squolks homes, where squancient squirrels with no teeth struggle to get their daily nut quota. 

She was especially squangry about the situation since ‘SQ’ (squirrel Q obviously) while squanalysing the samples in the laboratories had advised her that the Squiraz became extremely squoxic once the dried woodlouse was added in high doses and could have quite easily squilled anyone who drank it.

This poisonous Squiraz could have squilled her beautiful Squirena and that was not a thought she was squomfortable living with. 

Bad enough that such a spectacular vintage wine had been ruined, wow Squirena truly was rubbing off on her, but with the dried woodlouse added, it could have squilled loads of squirrels instantly.

If she had lost Squirena because of some greedy squg dealers she don’t know what she would do, well she did know, but it was too scary to actually think about.

To calm herself down, she had to sit and squeditate before the red mist took control of her. 

She remembered the breathing techniques Dali Squama had taught her when she had visited the monastery in Squibet. Slowly the pounding behind her eyes abated and she centred and grounded herself.

The mixture was much more lethal than squeroine when mixed with alcohol.

Squirena had been bloody lucky that not all of the bottles she had drunk had been tampered with, it was a flipping good job they’d packed quite a few of their own bottles into their basket before leaving and only had one off the Badgers.

Oh squod, Bill Badger is going to go squallistic once he finds out someone sold them squoxic Squiraz. 

That’ll be squn telling them, the whole Sett will be up in squarms. Whoever did this may very soon regret getting on the wrong side of the badgers.

Squernie had a good squckle to herself at that thought. 

Before she left on assignment for a few days, she had arranged for flowers, chocolates and a card to be sent with Fleurticus to Squirena, just so the red realised she did not have any hard feelings about what occurred on the weekend plus to remind the beautiful squirrel she was still in her thoughts.

Who was she kidding, that bloody gorgeous squirrel was constantly on her mind, distracting her and making her emotional. A feeling that was completely alien to her before a month ago.

She had to focus and detach herself from everything if she was going to resolve this case.


	3. Squaramanga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing squaramanga - who is this evil assassin spiking Squiraz?

Chapter 3

Squaramanga was sat at her bar drinking squash, yes squash, you don’t think she was going to drink any of the alcohol around here, not with all the dried woodlouse floating around.

She knew exactly what effect it had when mixed with alcohol, she should, since she developed it in the laboratory at the University of South Squales where she was studying.

No one would have thought the ‘Squirrel with the Squolden Tail’, Assassin for the weasels was one Ms. Squaramanga. 

Squobviously not her real name but she’d read it in a book somewhere and it tickled her squancy to use it.

She was petty, spoilt, squelfish and mean to the core, just like her sire.

She kept as far away from the vile alcoholic stuff as possible, what was the squaying, tried it, didn’t like it.

Her life had been ruined at an early squage thanks to the squtrid stuff. Her father had drank his job and his squife, her mother, away. 

She’d always been daddy’s little kit but his new squirlfriend was not a patch on her own beautiful red mother, and if she was truly honest she’d snap Squiberty’s scrawny neck in an instant just to get some peace.

She was livid as she sat with her chestnut chips and rosehip squash. 

How could her father be so flipping squpid selling the spiked squiraz so close to Squolby?

It was all meant to be sold down the river, not, she’d been very squecific on that point, not to be sold locally and most squertainly not to the Badgers.

She didn’t particularly want to go on a killing spree, silencing squlking badgers, definitely not around Squolby. 

She most definitely didn’t want to attract the squattention of SI6. She wasn’t a patch on those Squecret Squirrels she’d heard about, if they were actually real.

‘Oh dad, what the squck were you thinking? Selling Squiraz in Squolby. What if ….?’

She didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence before he interrupted her to answer.

‘She wouldn’t be drinking there, why would she be going to Badger Brothers Sett? Really?’

‘I squppose but I’d better not hear that you’ve taken any more and sold it or I might get annoyed at you daddy. Just squaying ok?’

‘Yes my dear.’

‘Right, where’s Squik? Has anyone seen that black squirrel hiding anywhere?’

She then hollers ‘Squik, get in here now.’

After a few minutes Squik squrries into the drey, bowler hat in place with his tufted black ears sticking through.

He bows as a sign of respect to his squemployer, also because black squirrels are mute, well this one most certainly is and since she’s never met another black she squassumed they’re all mute.

‘Have you loaded all the Squiraz on the river boat?’

He nods.

‘Have you found any more squeliable workers to make the squelivery?’

He nods.

‘Do you trust them?’

At this he grins, showing his two gold teeth and squigorously shakes his head.

‘No, good. Keep an eye on them won’t you?’

He nods, then turns to depart.

‘Now that’s my type of squirrel’ she pointedly looks at Squiberty and continues ‘squilent.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connections

Chapter 4

Squernie has decided she needed to get decidedly closer to the riverbank just to see if anything of note was going on over there. 

Tales from the Riverbank was a regular journal she read to keep her informed and also squamused, it was also published by her dear friends Hammy the Hamster and Roderick the Water Rat (known to those closest to him as Woderwick the Water Wat - something to do with his inability to woll his awse).

The main news article of the week stated, they’d been noticing some very strange and unusual squirrel activities happening around a secluded area down by the Water Voles homes. 

Weird stories of others seeing a rather odd mutant black squirrel who wears a bowler hat of all things, had Squernies ear tufts twitching, they always did that when she knew something was not squite right.

She remembers that she’d once encountered a mutant black squirrel before while on one of her squissions for SI6. He expressed no emotions except to show those 2 gold teeth, he never spoke, no one really knew his name, so everyone called him ‘Squodd Job’, because that’s what he did, everyone’s squodd jobs. 

If you had an unusual task needed doing, call the Bowler wearing Squirrel in black. No job too dirty for this squirrel, that’s why he only ever received work from those unsavoury characters most people avoided.

Squo had asked for his squervices around here?

It could only mean bad news for everyone associated with it. 

She bets herself a stick of caramelised pecans that he knows something about this bloody poisonous Squiraz. 

He was an omen of bad squck and also knew Squernie on sight. She would have to be very careful on this job.

She was not very good at keeping a low profile, especially as she was a startlingly bright white too. She had an idea about resolving that matter, she didn’t like it but was prepared to take temporary measures to ensure Squirena stays safe.

Sending a quick brief note to Hammy via the Hummingbird Express Delivery Service, she waited under a water lily leaf for a response. 

She’d also sent another missive over to Bill Badger and his brothers to warn them about things that were afoot and to beware of any black strangers lurking. She made specific mention of them upping their squecurity to the highest level and she would see them very soon.

A bit cryptic I know but we are in the realms of squespionage now.

She’d also made arrangements for a visit to their sett for tomorrow.

Just as she was nodding off in the blissful silence, with fantasies of a dancing Squirena gyrating before her drooping eyes, she was brought back to the here and now by a faint humming sound, getting closer by the second.

It was a bit too loud for it to be the Hummingbird but as soon as she squinted off to the horizon, she saw the most unusual sight approaching her along the water’s edge.

Blinking a few times to ensure her eyes were working correctly and she hadn’t mistakenly eaten a mushroom of questionable heritage, she saw a tiny version of an aeroplane making its way directly to her hidden location.

Whoever it was knew exactly where to locate her and that made her tense up and go on full alert. She’d been a bit lax on her own safety and security because it was such a beautiful day and so close to home. 

She needed to change that and get her tail back on track. Squigilent, she needed to remain hyper-squigilent, it would be useless protecting Squirena if she wasn’t around to savour her presence.

The aeroplane was perfectly animal sized, believe it or not, and Hammy was attired in a fabulously bright flying jacket and matching aviation squoggles to top the outfit off. 

As it pulled alongside her, she could hear Hammy’s exquisitely camp tones shouting out to her.

‘Jump aboard Major’.

She leapt, then they were off.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squernie gets together with Hammy and Woderwick to squinvestigate Squaramanga. God that was a mouthful.

Chapter 5

The little plane quickly turned around and as it levelled out Squernie scampered into the passenger seat, then she touched the hamster on the shoulders to signal she was settled.

He then flew back the way he came, hugging the riverbank and keeping low so not to be too squobviously visible to anyone looking for something out of the squordinary.

Flying in silence, Squernie mused some things over in her overactive squimagination. 

What was happening by the Water Voles home?

That was where the main ferry terminal was and the squorage areas for shipping around the coast.

Was someone planning some nefarious squendeavour? Why? Who? Squat for?

How were the Badger Brothers involved?

Did they have an involvement in this?

She doubted it, they were a hard working Sett and it would jeopardise their whole business squenterprise. 

They’d invested way too much money into the area to get drawn into the dried woodlouse trade, but she had to confirm once and for all if they were squinnocent. 

She noticed the subtle changes in the engine noise and noticed Woderwick signalling with two little lights, guiding Hammy to the runway and eventually the squangar in the corner of the field.

As the small plane rolled to a halt inside the squangar, Woderwick ran over with the chucks to place under the wheels to stop the plane rolling anywhere.

Squernie vaulted out of her seat, squimpressing both of the boys with her squysical prowess, landing squarely on her five digit feet without even a squobble.

As she looked over to the entrance she noticed half a Squirena water voles hurriedly closing the doors, so nobody outside could squy on them.

They could see Squernie’s mind whirling behind her eyes, as her brows knitted in deep thoughts.

‘Food?’

‘Oh Hammy, you always know just what to say to a girl. I’d love something. Nothing like food for thought. What do you have?’

Hammy stares over at Woderwick who grinned from ear to ear and announced:

‘Pizza? Ham and Pineapple of course.’

They all squckled as they walked in friendly camaraderie towards the offices.

They talked and ate for ages, discussing everything squnusual that has been happening around the banks of the squiver, while Squernie filled them in on the event that occurred at Squovie Night and the squbsequent poisoning of Squirena. 

They confirmed they’d heard squmours about the event. Nothing firm you understand just snippets here and there.

The name ‘Squaramanga’ was being bandied about. What a name they laughed, like someone out of a human story they sniggered.

Squernie knew the name had come directly from an Ian Fleming book, all about assassins and squies and explained this to her friends.

Knowing that Squelinor Campbell was the one and only Squaramanga gave Squernie a head start in this squinvestigation.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The animals arrange their plan of attack to those bringing crime to Squolby

Chapter 6

As they landed the plane in the field Bill Badger and his brother Bob stood hunched at the end of the landing strip waiting for them. 

Squernie initially thought her eyes were deceiving her when the lines of the strip began to waiver, then, noticing Bill smirking in her direction, she realised it was the rest of the clan who were providing for the safe landing of their plane.

As she shook her head at her own squpidity, the family led Squernie, Hammy and Woderwick over to the Sett entrance.

‘Mam has laid on a tee for you all Major, before discussing the plan of action. Hope that’s ok? By the way, how is the Divine Squirena after that terrible ordeal?’

Bill’s dad, Ben told his son not to be so hurried:

‘Let them get in and sat first Son, before the interrogations start. That’s your Ma’s privilege boy.’

The Badger Family all began snuffling their laughter at that comment, which echoed through the sett, informing Ma Betty, they were all on their way.

‘Squernie, darling’ shouts Betty Badger as she grabs the Cosmic squirrel, squeezing the muscular white in her powerful, stubby arms. Planting kisses either side of her face and inhaling her scent.

Squernie just submits to the squassault, knowing there was definitely no point upsetting this Matriarch, especially if she wants their help in ridding Squolby Riverbank and Town of the vermin now poisoning folks.

Betty quietly whispers in a tufted white ear:

‘Something smells different, are you in love mon petite?’

If squirrels could blush, Squernie would look like a sherbert dib dab lollipop, all white with a bright red head. 

Introductions were made, new friendships forged and empty bellies filled with home cooked delicacies.

Once everyone was sated and crashed out, discussions began, agreements made and a plan of action set in place ready for the destruction of that den of vipers attempting to set up base around Squolby.

What was worst was how they had tried to put the blame on the badgers. 

They were seething, because once you upset one Badger, you upset all Badgers and their friends and family. 

What the ‘baddies’ didn’t realise was, most of the Badgers and the Ravens had prior dealings with Black Squik.

Squernie was determined to put this bit of information to good use. This was her perfect chance to kill 2 vermin with 1 stone. 

One very, very, big and heavy stone.

None of them realised it was an error caused by Squedward Campbell’s greed and nothing to do with Squaramanga’s plans. 

Meanwhile in her hideaway, Squaramanga, was feeling quite safe and secure in her knowledge that the population of Squolby were ignorant of her plans and involvement.

Squik was seen as the Head of squggling. 

Her father and his constantly squittering bint were heading manufacturing and all she’d had to do was develop the stuff. 

Now to reap the rewards of a top class squeducation her darling mummy had insisted upon. 

Shame she didn’t appreciate it as much as Squirena had hoped she might.

Anyway, after tonight she’d be out of this backwater hick town and off spending her ill gotten gains.

Just a few more hours and everything would be a done deal and she’d never again have to listen to Squiberty squealing and squeaking sweet nothings in her daddy’s ears.

She visibly shuddered when thinking of those two, then smirked as she finished her squash. 

Her bags were packed, her personal squbmarine was moored by the dock ready for a quick getaway once the shipment has sailed. 

Everyone at the Sett were satisfied with their own assignment, but also knew what the others were doing. All timings were planned perfectly and to the second.

Squernie was assigned to Squaramanga and Squedward.

Bill, Ben and the remainder of the Badgers were assigned the riverbank and docks.

Hammy, Woderwick and the squagonflies were covering the river and any traffic on the waterways.

The Ravens and Magpies had pleaded the privilege of being allowed to attend to the awful Black squirrel, Squik. There was a history there, that they were reticent to vocalise, but the vehemence of their request brooked no questions.

This should all run to schedule, now they were going to gather more men, supplies and get some shut eye before tonight’s plan of attack began.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan comes into being and help comes from all quarters.

Chapter 7

Squernie was calm and relaxed. 

She’d always had the knack of squalming her whole body down, when all around her were stressed to breaking point, she remained composed and capable of thinking level headed. 

I almost said, thinking straight, but then we all know that’s a porky pie.

She was precariously balanced at the very end of the Oak Tree’s highest limb, looking forward to seeing the sun set on the horizon. That was time for them all to get going. 

The other animals were all off doing their own rituals before meeting up at the base of this tree; the Badgers drank ale, the Ravens and Magpies played tag, Hammy and Woderwick sat under their plane sharing a flask of whiskey, then the squagonflies were in the bushes attempting target practice with their red hot flames.

Squernie understood everyone needed to let off steam, but flipping heck, couldn’t these birds find a different tree to release their energies in. 

However, they were respecting her by using the other side of the tree for their games.

Squernie loved this time of squolitude, she always felt like she needed this alone time so she could receive her instructions from the Squniverse.

It was as if she could see the whole scenario playing out in her mind, who needed to be situated where, the timing needed to be exact, how each group would know what was successful or not and what they would do if it all blew up in their faces.

Just as the sun was slipping away on the horizon, Squernie was astonished by what she saw.

Marching across the field in tight formation must have been every single Badger from within the County, with Ben and Betty at the front. Each wearing leather vests with assorted tools for fighting attached.

The Squadron of Squagonflies, had been joined by others and also a cluster of Damsonflies. Blues and greens shone in the late evening sunshine, glittering iridescent for as far as the eye can see.

Sat upon each of them in secure fighting squaddles, were water voles and dormice all carrying barbed lances and poisoned arrows. 

Each group was led by Hammy and Woderwick.

Then the skies above filled with caws and the noise of flapping wings, as murder, upon murder flew in and settled in all the local trees. 

Because the Ravens and Magpies were nobodies steeds, they had no riders, but were deadly enough fighters in their own right. 

They also had a score to settle with the bowler wearing, mute black squirrel. 

How’d you think he became mute? He most certainly wasn’t born like it. 

He’d tried stealing from their colonies eggs as a kitt, using his colouring to his advantage in order to sneak about at night. 

Not realising how good the Corvidae eyesight was, he had attempted to rob from their newly hatched nursery, so they had pinned him to the ground and force fed him broken egg shells until they had severed his vocal chords.

He had then managed to escape from the cage they’d created for him, while waiting for the Squarmy Police to come and arrest him. 

Stealing eggs is one thing, but breaking into a nursery where the chicks slept was another thing all together. No decent Countryside dweller ate a neighbours child. 

No siree.

Squernie was suddenly speechless and her black eyes were staring at the beautiful sight arrayed before her.

They all watched, eyes intently fixed on her. 

They were ready and raring to go, all they needed was her nod to go ahead and this mission could begin. Clearing Squolby of all the drugs and gangs in one foul swoop.

They’d all had an hour to get to their assigned areas and notify the other groups that they had arrived. Everyone was happy and couldn’t wait for the designated time of attack.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get themselves prepared for full on assault to stop the shipment.

Chapter 8

Meanwhile, back with Squelinor in her Squenthouse Suite at the Squolby Hilton, looking out over the town and the riverbank, Squedward and Squiberty were attempting to explain to her how the loading and planned delivery of the Woodlouse infused Squiraz, was on schedule and that things were progressing exactly as they all expected.

She nodded to her father, as she puffed on her tiny pipe and drank her iced mocha latte through a straw, in order to save her lipstick from smudging. 

Cogitating over the plan from all available angles, she was carefully looking to see if she’d forgotten anything or calculating any details that could possibly go awry.

Squik was down at the quay overseeing the working ferrets and weasels. 

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, his senses weren’t telling him things were off kilter. 

He relaxed slightly, unbeknownst to him there were a hundred pairs of eyes all directing the ‘death glare’ at him and looking forward to his extermination later tonight.

Three different coloured fireworks went off on the far side of the river. The prearranged signal that all was now in place and ready to commence.

None of this, all guns blazing for the Major. No Squce Willis in Squie Hard or Squie Hard 77 - Squie Hard with yet another vengeance.

The Cosmic White wished for this whole operation to be one of quiet stealth from start to finish. 

Leaving everyone in no doubt who it was that terminated the project, but also ensuring that no evidence remained to prove who it was either. 

This was certainly not something the Squeen’s Squecret Service wanted getting into the public domain. Paranoia about all the wine on the market would ruin the economy, better to destroy the evidence, make sure nothing got moved out and the squatus quo maintained.

The final fireworks went up and as covertly as possible the full on assault commenced.

The rapidly beating wings of the Squagonflies and Damsonflies carried the silent but deadly assailants up and down the river meeting out justice riverbank style, numerous heavily armed thugs dropped right where they stood without a sound.

Curare was an exquisite drug to use, nobody had the courage to question how Squernie had managed to obtain such a large amount in a relatively short time, just glad that she had. 

The Badgers, in attack formation and cosh in hands, carefully made there way through the hedgerow, ensuring stealth was paramount and that nobody was left to go to the assistance of the big black squirrel once the birds were let loose on him.

Finally, the birds began their aerial assault. 

On silent wings they launched themselves straight at Black Squik from the branches of the surrounding trees, where they had sat watching like death in feathered form. 

The collective noun for their species seemed very apt for this situation. A murder was exactly what they intended to do to this vilest being of squirrel kind.

Nobody heard them coming, the evening sky turning a midnight blue as Squik’s body was physically lifted off the ground on wings of pure vengeance.

They flew the black vermin away from the scene, not wishing to leave any incriminating evidence behind after them. Where they took him and how they dealt with him they refused to disclose, just assured Squernie that he was done and dusted.

Badgers had commandeered all the barges that were loaded with the deadly dried woodlouse Squiraz. 

After finding out exactly how this stuff killed, they did not want it to be permitted in any of the chain of Badgerspoons that Betty Badgers Family had established over the past decade.

Slowly they steered the boats back down the river, guided by the light of a thousand sparkling wings until they were well out of sight of the town and Hotels, then they headed into the outlying swamp area and emptied all of the toxic stuff into the stagnant waters, where it couldn’t hurt anyone ever again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squernie confronts Squaramanga

Chapter 9

Squernie, who had been watching and coordinating everything from across the water and parallel to the hotel, understood it was now time to put the mastermind behind this whole plan, well and truly to bed. 

Squaramanga, upon seeing her barges begin to pull away, thought this whole operation had gone swimmingly. Time for her to get out of here without drawing any attention to herself.

She excused herself from the observation area then made her way to her own suite of rooms, without giving the slightest indication of her intentions to her father. 

It was his flipping fault they’d had to move quicker than expected and jeopardise the well laid plans she had constructed, just for a few quid, plus he’d almost killed her mother and neither him nor that squimpering thing he’d hooked up with gave a damn. 

How dare they. She was squeething inside.

Squirena was her mother, she may be an older, meaner and completely squelfish Squelinor who was a complete and utter bitch to everyone including her dear old mum on times, but no one else could ever be mean or threaten the welfare of her own darling mummy, not while she had breath in her body anyway. 

Finding the squecret panel in the back of the closet, the rear pane of it slid open and a well lit set of stairs descended to where she could soon hear water lapping against the squbmarine moored alongside the jetty.

Her one man squbmarine was all fuelled, primed and ready to go wherever she wanted. Location no problem. As she pressed the remote to open the hatch of the squbmarine, the Cosmic White, Major Squerenice Wolfe, Double S7 stepped out from within the shadows.

Squaramanga did a slight double take at the magnificent squirrel stood before her. How the heck did someone know about this hidey hole? She didn’t know who this was but certainly had a feeling she was going to find that out quickly enough.

That hesitation was enough for the soldier in the White Squirrel to prevent the young assassin from fleeing. 

She didn’t react or attack. 

For some reason, knowing and understanding that this course of action would be futile against the confident stance of the squirrel stood in front of her.

‘Do I know you?’ She asked the White.

‘Not as yet you don’t, but I do know something about you.’ Squernie explains. 

‘Where do you think you’re going anyway?’

‘Out of here and away from this place.’

‘What about your Mother then Squelinor?’

‘You know my name? My Mother?’ 

Squaramanga spluttered at the use of her birth name, by a complete stranger too. Shock evident in her voice that not only did she know her mother, but obviously well enough to know her name too. 

‘Well why wouldn’t you, she seems to know everyone around here, that’s why I want to get as far away as possible.’

Squernie couldn’t quite understand this comment and stared at her quite confused.

‘I shall explain then, shall I?’

‘Please, that would be nice.’ 

Both women couldn’t actually believe how civilised this conversation was being.

‘If you had a Mother as famous and well known as Squirena Campbell you honestly think you wouldn’t want to get away? Just imagine, that everywhere you went you felt squirrels watching you to compare how you reacted or behaved in a given situation. Or having teachers from her old school always comparing your work and grades to that of your mother.’

‘But dried woodlouse in Squiraz, Squelinor? Your mother almost died, she probably would have if I hadn’t been there.’

‘That was my stupid father and his greedy girlfriend trying to make a quick buck on the side. I’ll be leaving their stupid arses behind too. If you let me go I’ll never ask Mummy for anything else again. I’ll also tell you where to find daddy and Squiberty.’

‘You really are self centred aren’t you?’

‘You bet I am. Do we have a deal?’

‘With one other proviso.’

Squelinor smirks, she knows she’s going to get away from here, this Cosmic White was going to let her go all because of her Mother.

‘Which is?’

‘That you never darken her doorstep asking for help or scrounging things from her.’

‘Done. That was easy, see, not too bad am I?’

‘I haven’t finished Squelinor.’

‘Wow, you make my name sound even more of a crime than she does.’

‘That’s probably because she loves you very much. But you will write to her regularly and try not to let me hear too much about Squaramanga.’

Squernie said this last bit with the sharpest bit of steel in her voice that she could generate.

The shock was evident in the younger squirrel’s eyes, as she swallowed exaggeratedly and quickly nodded her assent.

‘Good. Now off with you and don’t give me or SI6 cause to regret this act of compassion will you?’

‘No. No, of course not. Thank you, oh thank you ……? What was your name, I missed it?’

‘No you didn’t, it’s because I never said it. I’m not doing this for you but for your mother, who deserves to be treated better.’ 

Squernie stares, gives that pursed lipped stare that had squarmy cadets squirming in their boots. 

‘Now off you toddle and let’s hope you never ever have cause to actually find out my name. Ok?’

‘Ok and thank you. My mother is one lucky squirrel, I can tell she’ll be cared for better than daddy ever did.’

Without a further word, she hurried into her squbmarine and left Squolby, for now.

Squernie mused over that last piece of the conversation and how astute Squelinor actually was. Well she did have Squirena’s genes after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squernie finally gets to go home

Chapter 10

Right, now let’s go and sort out the other part of Squelinor’s genetic pool. 

The one who was a balding, selfish, greedy oaf. 

The one who had started all of this fiasco by squeopardising her one true loves life, just to earn a few extra acorns to buy that simpering ex-Playkitt more costume jewellery and tacky lamé tops.

However, if he hadn’t have done so, then there would be spates of deaths everywhere up and down the river, with no one any the wiser concerning its origins. 

As Squernie slowly and stealthily ascended the squecret staircase, she then caught the tail end of his conversation to Squiberty.

They were mentioning the location of where they had stashed the two large cases of poisonous Squiraz. The one’s he’d secreted away to make some quick acorns off, once Squellie (his kitt name for his little girl) is out of the picture.

Squernie had recorded the conversation from the privacy of the wardrobe, switched off the squapp, saved the file and forwarded it to Ms. Squoneypenny for safekeeping, all before emerging and surprising the pair.

She had to have someone to take the brunt of the blame since the Squovernment financed this operation, especially since Squaramanga (Squelinor) had somehow managed to elude them all, shocking that eh!

There wasn’t enough of Black Squik left after the Ravens and Magpies had dealt with the vermin killer. Vengeance was theirs, let that be a warning to anyone else attempting to eat their babies alive.

From that time forward ‘The Death of Black Squik’ was a tale forever told around nurseries the world over. It would become a favourite story at Halloween parties and ghost hunts.

Then she went and did the part of this squission that was going to give her the greatest pleasure imaginable, just as she heard the loud sounds of Badger boots clopping up the stairs.

‘Squedward and Squiberty Campbell, I’m arresting you both for the squattempted murder of one, Squirena Campbell; for introducing poisonous Squiraz onto the open market without thoughts of the consequences it would entail; and having no squalms concerning destroying the livelihood of the Badger Sett.’

‘I am going to ensure that you two spend a very long time in squison doing hard labour cracking nuts for the old squolk’s homes.’

‘No more manicures and facials for the both of you evil beings for a very long time.’

‘Take them out of my sight Bill, I have somewhere more important that I have to be.’

With the broadest grin on her fluffy face, she tweaked her tail and began to run home.

Home to her Squirena.


End file.
